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The Possum Drop/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW I know it's important to have your home nicely decorated, especially if you want your wife to continue to live there. I mean, a few dainty and frilly decor items are fine, here and there. But you get too many feminine touches in there and the man starts to feel disconnected from his environment. Whenever you see a guy move a couch and beer fridge into the garage it's a pretty good bet that his wife did all the decorating. You need some masculine touches in there somewhere, don't you? For example: A chandelier. Flame-shaped light bulbs and crystal baubles is not gonna do it. Instead, I suggest something that's attractive and practical but still has y chromosome stamped all over it. Take a few rims off of different sized bicycles, put them together with 40-pound fishing line and then you wanna hang some shiny lures, bottle openers and mini flashlights to the outside edges. This baby's one of a kind. The beauty of usin' flashlights is you'll have light even if the power's off. And you can set the mood by the number of flashlights that you have on. See, this is not just a chandelier, it's a man-delier. [ music plays ] but you know the real beauty is when dinner's over you turn your dining room into a disco. Dinner and dancing without ever leaving your house. [ ♪ disco ] cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Appreciate it. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. It's the start of plum harvest. But wait, there's more. Oh, yeah. We always kick off plum harvest with a celebration right here at the lodge. Everybody meets out in the parking lot, and we tell our favourite plum story. Some of them are more plum than others. But the big finale is the possum drop. We drop a possum down the flagpole. Oh, my gosh, unbelievable. And we've got a great big one this year, so it's going to be fantastic. That guy galileo said everything drops at the same rate, well, I'm guessin' he never chucked a possum out of his hotel window. Uncle red! Yeah? I do not think I can stand here any longer and allow you to get away with this. Great, where you goin'? Nowhere! And neither is that defenceless little possum. You cannot throw an animal out of the sky just for your own entertainment. [ sigh ] he's not gonna hit the ground. It's a 40-foot drop, the rope is only 39. What's the point? What does a falling possum have to do with plum harvest? Well... It plummets. You know, the origins of the possum drop are shrouded in the mists of time. And the haze of alcohol. Hey, red! Yeah? This fax just came in for you. And they agree with you. Fantastic. Don't you wanna know who it's from? Not right away. Let me enjoy the moment. It's a national animal rights group. Yeah, you asked them for a court intervention to stop the possum drop, and they're doin' it! What? Yeah, why would you do that? Watchin' that possum fall is about the only fun I have left in life. I didn't know you were the member of an animal rights group. Well, I'm not, dalton. Well, look, this a fax is addressed to mr. Green, c/o possum lodge. [ applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's winner receives this coupon for a free physical evaluation from port asbestos piano movers. Find out if you can still carry a tune. All right, cover you ear hole things, dalton. Mr. Green, you've got 30 seconds to get dalton to say this word... Yeah, yeah, all right. And... Go! Uh, okay, dalton, suggestion... Stupid. Um, clue... Less. Uh, okay, tip... Don't get married. Okay, s'posin' your wife is upset with you, but she doesn't wanna say anything out loud. Oh, ho, ho, that'll be the day. These things that I've been sayin' to help you guess the word have all been... Crap. Oh, I know, I know. This is an expression you hear when there's a whiff of something in the air. It wasn't me. Uh, we're almost outta time, mr. Green. Yeah, I know. Okay, supposing you come home and anne marie's waitin' there in a skimpy outfit. That would be a... Miracle. Trouble in paradise? Ah, red, you know, heh-heh, I spend all my free time at the lodge. Does that give you a hint? There we go! [ dalton yawning ] dalton, you can't be bored. You've only been out here nine hours. I didn't sleep well last night. Ann marie keep you up all night, did she? No, her jalepeño lasagna did. Ah, I only sleep well in prison. Not at home, that's for sure. I mean, my mom slams the fridge door and yells, lights out! But it's not the same. I sleep like a log. That's a weird expression, isn't it? Sleep like a log? How do we know logs are well rested? I've never seen one yawn. I can sleep anywhere, any time. Well, I hope you don't have cruise control. I haven't slept one good night in my whole life. Well, dalton, you just gotta let your mind go blank and then you can sleep anywhere. Oh, sure, that's easy to say, but I got stuff I gotta worry about. If I didn't worry about everything, the whole world would go to hell in a handcart. How can I let my mind go blank? Well, conversations like this are a pretty good start. So you're saying that we have trouble sleeping because we think too much? That can't be right. It's not the thinking, it's the worrying. My whole face is covered in worry lines. Yeah, but they make a nice pattern with the liver spots. You just gotta change your attitude, dalton. If you can fix something, fix it. If you can't fix it, forget it. Either way, there's no point in worrying about it. Well, that doesn't always work. Like, I had this speeding ticket once that I couldn't fix, and so I forgot about it, and, um, I lost my license for two years. [ applause ] in the human digestive system, the nutrition is represented by two separate yet equally important groups... The mouth and stomach who ingesticate food, and the large intestines who redistribute the offenders. These are their stories. Red: Beautiful, aren't they? You know, nothing gets a man more excited than a customized car. Well, okay, there is one other thing, but a car's a lot easier to get ahold of. Plus a car won't get mad at you when you check out other models. And trading up is a lot cheaper. Okay, I better stop in case bernice is actually watchin' this. But maybe for a guy on a budget, you have to skip the four on the floor and go directly to two on the sidewalk. But maybe there's another option. And this is gonna sound blasphemous comin' from me, but what about a... Bicycle? Just because you ride a bike doesn't mean you have to look like a dufus. Don't go by harold. Not if you take a page out of those car magazines and customize your ride. So today on handyman corner, I'm gonna show you how to make a cool lookin' bike. A de-nerdicycle. Okay, right away, how can you look cool on a seat like that? It's like stickin' your butt on a bundt cake. You need something that says mack-daddy. Whatever the heck mack-daddy is. I'm thinkin' old car wash mitt. Or as I like to call it, fun fur upholstery. Okay, now, a lot of the great cars today are customized to ride lower. Teenagers like everything ridin' lower... Their cars, their pants, their marks. Not to mention the lyrics to their rap songs. Okay, we can't go that low, but we can drop the bike a few inches by extending the forks on the front. Get yourself some old metal tubing -- another reason to finally get that dish. Pretty slick, huh? Now, you're gonna need a couple extra pieces of brake cable for the added distance you stuck on the front wheel. Fortunately for me, dalton has a 12-speed bike that he doesn't care about. Well, I'm assuming he doesn't care about it. He didn't lock it up. You know, one of the hot looks on any hot rod? Fender skirts, which you can make yourself out of one of these flying saucer sleds. Or if you're on a budget, you can use a garbage can lid. Now, that's sexy, huh? But those handle bars still look a little dorky, so I'm gonna go with a leather cover like they have on the steering wheel of a 'maserooti' I have a pair of moose thompson's pants here that I will never return, because they could be his only pair, and I never wanna see him like that. Gonna take out the belt and wind that around the handle bars. I may be able to do the whole frame. As the masseuse said to the client, it's all about the little touches. You know how those sharp cars have the ground effects? You know, those crazy neon lights down under the vehicle? Well, I've done the same thing by just moving the bike headlight down under the unit. I mean, a bike headlight is useless anyway. And now when she says you gotta go home, you can say, I can't, I've got no headlight. And then, well, you know. She'll drive you home. Now, for most lodge members, the volume of their exhaust is a point of pride. Every kid knows you can make a bike sound like a motorcycle by just having a couple of playing cards flicking against the spokes. But I've added a couple of jokers to the deck with these megaphones. Speaking of which, I replaced the bell with a couple of truck air horns. [ loud honk ] because when you're involved in a road rage confrontation, you don't wanna be the one doing the tinkling. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Now, we'll just get rid of these dinky streamers, and I'm gonna go cruise the main drag. [ honking ] I wanna talk to all you guys who have been married for a while and are spending almost every minute of every day with your wife. Now, if I was the head of the national relationship security, I'd be puttin' you on elevated alert. You are in a crisis situation, my friend. But I have the solution. You need to find a girlfriend. Not for yourself. You need to find a girlfriend for your wife. See, your wife has a lot of interests that you don't, and she needs to talk about them to somebody, somebody who cares about what purse goes with what shoes. Or whether some actor's got botox injections. Or anything, really. If she doesn't have a girlfriend, that leaves you. And she's even more upset about that than you are. Now, the first place to look is the wives of your friends. Because if your friends are anything like you, they're probably in the same boat. But even if it's a guy you think is a real dink, if your wife likes his wife, you're gonna have to take one for the team. Because if you're the only friend your wife has, your life will become a living hell. So go out there and find her a girlfriend. If you don't, she may go out and find herself a boyfriend. And that's bad news for everybody, including him. Remember, I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together. At rothschild's, you don't pay a cent until you smell one. Boy, it's funny how things have a way of working out. Okay, we're not allowed to drop the possum, but we've come up with a substitute that everybody is pretty happy with -- well, almost everybody. [ laughter and applause ] is this really necessary? You volunteered to replace the possum. Well, sometimes when you get excited, you say things you regret later. I know, those are called marriage proposals. So you really think I should do this? Yeah, you'll be safe with it, harold. In fact, I phoned the animal rights people, and once they found out you were replacing the possum, they were fine with it. I might feel a little better about this if I thought I was going to survive. You're going to be okay. We beefed up the flagpole, we got a heavier rope, hey, I know. Why don't you put a couple of tires around you, you know, like that guy did that went over niagara falls. I bet his honeymoon was doing good, huh? That way, even if you hit something, you'll probably just bounce, like this. See? See? Okay, yeah, okay. This might be fun. Yeah! Red: Okay, so four losers had washed up on the beach. And harold, when he gets into a comic, he gets into a comic. They're just sittin' there, and they didn't notice the two young girls -- well, I think bill maybe didn't notice, and walter for sure didn't notice. Very, very impressive. Now he notices. So all of a sudden they're trying to make a -- oh, they have one of those beach volleyballs. I guess they wanna play beach volleyball. So the guys are suddenly interested and -- get the magazine off your face. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're lookin' good. Well, this is the advantage of being in a small town. There's not a lot of choice. They go over there. Harold's a little stand-offish, which is usually in his best interest. Yes, harold, uncle sam wants you. So yeah, I guess those are technically called shorts, but I'm not sure. So they decide they're going to have harold on their team. It's the first time harold's been picked first for anything in his entire life. So he's all excited and over he comes. I don't think he was expecting the girls to toss him the ball in all fairness, because he's usually a little more coordinated than that. Of course, the other three are thinking, we're looking good, gonna win -- you know, harold's not looking so dumb right now, is he? Okay, let's get going. Let's get the game started. So the first thing that's gonna happen is harold's gonna serve. Yeah, you guys are ready. And harold's not as athletic as he looks. Oh! Okay, that's unfortunate. It's very tough to get injured playing volleyball. But I'm sure harold can find a way. And walter fires it over the net to him. Oh... Oh... Oh, yeah. All right, later that day the girls are winning majorly. Oh. Guess you can see where this going. And it gets to point where it's getting pretty ridiculous. Harold's making a sand castle, and the girls are spiking everything. I think that was an attempt to jump over the net to congratulate them. I don't know. But harold comes over and scorns them like he was the one who won the whole darned game. Couldn't figure out why the girls were so good, and then when you looked at their sports bag, there was a bit of a clue on there. Apparently there was some kind of national team. [ applause ] sometimes when you have a beard, you get accused of looking scruffy all the time. Here's some advice... Don't take that as a compliment. The woman who's making those accusations is someone who can shave you while you're asleep. Just like delilah did to samsonite. Your wife might even suggest you shave your beard right off. Just show her a picture of your clean shaven grandfather. That'll probably make her come to her senses. So instead of throwing out the beard with the bath water, just trim your beard so the whiskers all exactly the same length. For example, I like my beard to be 3/8 of an inch long. Which happens to be the same diameter as red licorice. [ applause ] well, the plum harvest kick-off is going great. Harold's all set for his big possum drop there. He's got a couple of tires around him, he'll be fine. I think it's gotta be the first time he's worn rubber for protection. But I wanna make it extra safe, so I'm getting him an extra layer of underwear, because that costume is a rental. It's time! C'mon red, he's goin! No, no, it's safer to watch him in here, dalton. Those tires can smash into a million pieces. Harold: Geronimo! Boy, harold falls faster than that possum. I think it's the extra weight of all that rubber. I think he's gonna hit the ground! Holy cow! He bounced! He bounced again! [ cheers and applause ] he's headed for the lake! [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Yeah. Uh... Okay, if my wife is watching, um, probably won't be coming straight home after the meeting. Harold may have a couple of injuries, but I'm sure he'll bounce back. Now, now, now. Come on. You're good. You're fine. I'm fine?! I'm fine?! Hey, hey, hey. Don't you start whining. You got off lucky. Compared to what?! Well, all the other possums with a tread mark on them. Here you'll need this. Oh, yeah. And to the rest of you, on behalf of myself and whoever that was and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] come on, sit down. Guys, come on in and take your seats. Hurry up, meeting's coming to order. Everybody sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to... I guess. All right, harold, I wonder if you might mind standing up just for a minute? Harold, on behalf of the lodge, I just wanted to thank you for doing a terrific possum drop, and we're wondering if you'd mind doing it one more time? Not a chance! What's the matter? Too tired? Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com